Category Archives: george the self-aware zombie

“Go away. I’m not technically alive,” George said without even looking up.

The knocking continued unabated.

“Look. It’s over. I give up. I can’t take it anymore,” George continued his pitiful rant. He was referring of course to the fact that by some fluke of the universe, during a zombie epidemic, he had retained his cognitive abilities.

The knocking still persisted.

George lifted his decaying body. “I have no one to talk to. I apparently can’t die again.” George opened the door. “So just leave me alo—”

“Hello,” said a disfigured zombie-ette. She was the most beautiful sight George ever saw.

It made George gag, the thought of raw human flesh in his mouth. At first he just didn’t think about it. He was a zombie after all. It’s what zombies do, eat raw human flesh. He desperately wanted to fit in. That is until he discovered that the desire to desperately want to fit in was very un-zombie-like.

Through some freak accident of nature George had become a zombie, but his mental faculties somehow remained intact. Now, everything about being a zombie horrified George. Watching his own flesh slowly rotting off his body was particularly disturbing.

The other zombies didn’t notice.

George stood on the Golden Gate Bridge and marveled at the majestic pinks and purples of the fast-dwindling daylight hovering over the Pacific Ocean. He let out a deep sigh, because there was no one around for hundreds of miles who could enjoy it with him.

Being a self-aware zombie was not all it was cracked up to be.

“Am I a freak of nature?” George asked the demolished vehicles rusting on the bridge. “Why am I the only zombie who still knows anything? Sometimes I envy the mindless zombie horde.”

George considered ending it all, but he was already dead.

The devastated urban landscape slowly fell apart. Like most of the inhabitants of earth, the structures of civilization were also slowly decomposing and devouring themselves until eventually it would be gone.

However, nature also has its unexpected quirks. While most of humanity had become mindless flesh-eating zombies, one zombie still maintained his self-awareness. His name was George.

“I think I’ve lost the taste for rotting flesh,” George told his zombie-dog Frank (Frank was not self-aware). “I really don’t care for it anymore, and sometimes I think I’m just gorging on human flesh to fit in, you know?”

Frank’s tail wagged off.

~~~
More ordeals of George the self-aware zombie

“Did I just hear ‘brains’ said with an inflection indicating the possibility of cognitive thought!?” George the self-aware zombie began scanning the mass of doddering undead.

“Brains?” one of the zombies said again. Her hair, though blood-soaked, was blonde with blonder highlights. Her clothes disheveled and also blood-soaked were designer by the looks of it. She had the orange hue of spray-on tan.

“Finally, a zombie I can have an actual conversation with!” George declared.

“Brains?” the she-zombie said, and stumbled passed George without even a glance.

Apparently, even when zombies, valley girls still say everything in the form of questions.

~~~
More ordeals of George the self-aware zombie

“Look. All I’m saying is that if the living over in that house are well supplied with ammunition and are easily taking us out, we might as well just go look for an easier target. A defenseless small child, perhaps?” George the self-aware zombie tried to reason with his non-self-aware brethren.

“Braaaaaaaaainssssss,” hissed the zombies as they hobbled toward the house in question, getting decimated by heavy gunfire in the process.

“I know they’re incredibly tasty, but listen to reason!” George pleaded.

“Braaaainnnnnnnns.”

“I’m beginning to think you guys don’t have any brains! Fine! Get shot for all I care!”

“Brains?”

~~~
More ordeals of George the self-aware zombie

“You ever get the feeling like all this ‘feasting on the flesh of the living’ may end up being detrimental to the stability of society as we know it?” George the self-aware zombie offered as general conversation to his fellow zombies as they munched on the remains of a CPA.

“Braaaaainsssss,” came the standard zombie reply to any of George’s inquiries.

George continued as if it was a legitimate answer to his question. “I just don’t know if this gluttonous and decadent lifestyle we have for ourselves is sustainable. Eventually the living will become a scarcity.”

“Brrrrrainnnss,” replied the other zombies.