The Shrine

Jill rushed back into the room. “I forgot my keys—is that a picture of my boyfriend?”

Haylea glanced over to the delicately framed picture of Sam with Jill’s face crudely cut out surrounded by a thousand intricately placed candles. “Yyyyyyes.” She said hesitantly.

“Why did you build a shrine to my boyfriend?” Jill asked.

“I don’t see what the big deal is. He’s a cool guy.” Haylea folded her arms and raised her eyebrows in defiance.

“The big deal is he’s my boyfriend. Also, how did you set this up so fast? I was only gone like twenty seconds.”

“I had it set up a while ago. It’s been underneath the large sheet on my side of the room.”

Jill blinked with confusion. “You had a sheet covering over the shrine?”

“Yeah, for about the past week,” Haylea said.

“I’m not very observant, I guess…”

Haylea pursed her lips. “No. No you’re not.”

“Okay,” Jill said closing the door behind her, “Have fun with your shrine.”

“Kay.”

A few seconds later Jill reentered the room finding Haylea wearing a ceremonial mask (Sam’s face with eye-holes cut out). “Still forgot my keys.” Jill picked them up and hurried back out. “Bye.”

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The Dig

Finally, the digging was over. Thirty-three graves in one night. It was a new record.

“What’s the haul for this evening, gentlemen?” Cigar embers gave Mason’s face a demonic red glow.

“Twenty-seven wedding rings, thirty fillings, two gold teeth, five watches, twenty-two slightly used tuxedos in various sizes . . .” Giraldo monotonously rattled off the list.

Mason grinned, chewing slightly on his almost nonexistent cigar. “Excellent.”

“Sure doesn’t seem like it’s worth all the effort of digging up graves,” Malarkey, one of the new guys, grumbled as he wiped the sweat off his brow.

A large meaty hand latched onto Malarkey’s throat. Mason’s eyes twitched, “Do you know how much they get you on tuxedo rentals nowadays? It’s highway robbery!”

“Okay, okay,” Malarkey gasped, “Sorry I said anything.”

“I detest robbery,” Mason continued, “It’s disgusting what people will do nowadays for just a few more bucks.”

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Momentary Lapses into Sanity now available on Amazon!

MLIS on Amazon

My collection of short stories and illustrations, Momentary Lapses into Sanity, is now available to purchase on Amazon. This book contains 125 short stories, over 70 illustrations, and FIVE Tyrannosaurus rexes! That’s FOUR more than Jurassic Park! And I haven’t even mentioned the time travel, aliens, romance, a cookie-loving rhinoceros, and so much more!

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Rupert

“Baking is a science,” Master Pastry Chef Rupert would say at least five times a day whether there was anyone around to hear him or not. “It’s all about proportions and chemical reactions.”

Melissa, an apprentice with dreams of her own small café still dancing in her head, had memorized this speech and mouthed the words as Rupert continued. “Anyone can fry an egg! Only the very best can bake a pastry just right.”

Over the course of seven months, Melissa found Rupert’s statements enlightening, then dull, then stale, then horrendous, then aggravating, then hilarious. Now she found them endearing.

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Ocean Waves

It had been three months since Hal had left the village, and now he stood for the first time in his life in front of the ocean. But his thoughts were transfixed on a name he had written in sand.

Memories of Kali came crashing into Hal’s mind like ocean waves. Constant, undaunting, endless. Steadily peeling away the layers of sand hiding his soul.

Hal stared at the name etched in sand, and wondered how long it had been since she last thought of him. He lied to himself saying this would be the last time he would think of her.

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The Man in the Mirror

I look at the man staring back at me in the mirror. I do not recognize him.

“You make me sick,” I say. He mouths the same words mockingly.

“Where do you get off?” I ask as he continues to mock me, “You used to be somebody. Now you’re just– ugh, I can’t stand it.” I turn away from the mirror. He probably does the same.

“You know what your problem is?” I’m sure he’s still mouthing my words behind my back. “You’ve changed. I just don’t know you anymore!” I storm from the bathroom.

I knew I shouldn’t have shaved.

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It’s Time

It’s time, my son,
Time for you to travel to a far distant country,
Time for you to fight the lion and the bear,
Time for you to run with the horses,
Time for you to fly on an eagle’s wings,
Time for you to listen to the soft whisper
That beckons you to step out of the boat.

Because it’s time, my son,
Time to walk on the water,
Time to live the impossibly possible,
Time to live abundantly in confidence,
Time to live as you were always meant to,
Time to love as you have already been loved:
Completely.

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The Right Hands

“You point it at a group of people and it’ll obliterate everything in its path.” A gleam of jubilant self-satisfaction shone across Doctor Bradbury’s dark brown eyes and a crooked smile formed as if it were his first such attempt. That’s what he had been hiding behind his cold stoic demeanor all these years. It made me sick.

I considered the ramifications of this- this device. I gulped for air. “And how many of these did you say you made?”

“Forty thousand thus far,” Bradbury said, “Fifty thousand by the end of the week, and after that a production capability of twenty thousand more each week thereafter.”

“With a capability of destroying-” the words caught in my throat. I was getting dizzy.

“Thousands,” the gleam came back to Bradbury’s eyes, “Hundreds of thousands in the right hands.”

“The right hands,” I said turning the device around in my hands. “The right hands.”

“Aren’t you pleased?” Bradbury said. “This will end the war.”

“No, Doctor,” I said pointing the device at his crooked smile. “I will end the war. Right. Now.”

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Time

It was standing room only in the small chapel on 53rd and Waco. Pastor Sciutto stood over the casket, a single tear traveling down his right cheek.

“Friends and loved ones, we are gathered here on this occasion to commemorate the passing of James Fitzpatrick. His time has finally come.”

With one enormous shout, the chapel erupted into applause. Formal black clothes were stripped to reveal colorful party wear underneath. Confetti fell from the ceiling. No fewer than seven attendees broke out into a rendition of “Ding Dong the Witch Is Dead.”

Pastor Sciutto continued over the din of mirth and gladness, “This day will long be remembered long after we are all gone. School children will stay at home, banks will be closed, Kohl’s will have a special twenty percent off all designer jeans weekend, in memory of this great and glorious day when James Fitzpatrick’s time finally ran out!”

The front door to the chapel burst open, and there stood James Fitzpatrick. The joyous celebration ceased immediately.

“What is going on?” James said.

“Nothing,” Pastor Sciutto said, quickly jumping off the casket he had been riverdancing on seconds before, “Just practicing.”

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Economy Fixed

“Senator Evans from Pennsylvania is recognized.”

“Thank you, Mr. President. Everyone keeps talking about this debt crisis we are in, but nobody is doing anything about it! It’s not rocket science, people. I just introduced a bill that will solve everything; S1422: Fix the Economy Act of 2011 which reads in full: ‘Wherein the economy is a total mess, be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled that, someone should really get around to fixing the economy. Pronto.’

“Bam. Economy fixed. Now that wasn’t so hard now, was it?”

~~~
More proposals by Senator Evans of Pennsylvania

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