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Grover Cleveland’s Clone
Twenty-Fourth President
Served March 4, 1893 – March 4, 1897
Party: Democratic

Creation: March 18, 1887 in Washington, D.C.
Died: June 24, 1908 in Princeton, New Jersey
Favorite Constellation: Gemini

The existence of Grover Cleveland’s clone did not become public knowledge until the passage of the Freedom of Information Act of 1966^†, in which classified documents revealed that President Grover Cleveland actually died during the presidential campaign of 1892 and was secretly replaced with his clone. Even at the time, the existence of Grover Cleveland’s clone was known to only a few high-ranking military and government officials.

With the loss of two presidents due to assassination in less than twenty years (Lincoln and Garfield), the army began work on a secret cloning operation code named Keep Living On No Exceptions. The operation was attempted Grover Cleveland’s predecessor, President Chester A. Arthur, but somehow was tainted with orycteropodisine DNA in the cloning process. The resulting monster known as Chester A. Aardvark went on a killing spree through New England in the spring of 1882 after happening to see its grotesque figure in a mirror (Final body count: 237). Precautions were taken with Grover Cleveland’s DNA, and after an accelerated-growth-incubation of about three years, Grover Cleveland’s clone was finished and presented to the President on his fiftieth birthday in 1887.

Grover Cleveland’s clone assumed Grover Cleveland’s life on June 22, 1892, after Grover Cleveland was shot by Adlai Stevenson^† during the Democratic National Convention in Chicago, Illinois^†. Grover Cleveland’s clone went on to win the 1892 election and became the nation’s twenty-fourth President.

Only having lived for five years, President Grover Cleveland’s clone was grossly under-prepared for the presidency. His term in office saw a major depression in the US economy^† and significant labor unrest^†. President Grover Cleveland’s clone retired to Princeton, New Jersey and lived out the remainder of his days.

The Army’s K.L.O.N.E. Project proved to be costly and ultimately undesirable, and was subsequently disbanded and forgotten. (Benjamin Harrison’s clone went on to live his own separate life as George Newell living in Cincinnati, Ohio as a hat salesman of modest means.)

Preceded by Benjamin Harrison
Succeeded by William McKinley

Grover Cleveland^†
Twenty-Second President
Served March 4, 1885 – March 4, 1889
Party: Democratic

Born: March 18, 1837 in Caldwell, New Jersey
Died: June 22, 1892 in Chicago, Illinois
Favorite Precious Metal: Gold^†

Grover Cleveland gained national exposure for his tough-but-honest politics as Governor of New York.^† When he ran against Republican James G. Blaine^† in 1884, Blaine supporters brought allegations of an illegitimate child, to which Cleveland directed his staff to “Tell the truth.”^† As happens with many honest politicians, when they arrive in Washington, they lose their way. So was the case of President Grover Cleveland.

Grover Cleveland started his term as President honestly, pushing reforms in the structure of the federal government^†, limiting government expenses by frequently vetoing bills from the Republican controlled Congress^†. His serious attention to his job as President was compromised when the army presented him with an exact clone of himself on his fiftieth birthday.

With an exact duplicate, President Cleveland more and more frequently left pressing matters of state to his clone, while he enjoyed extended fishing and hunting trips that lasted for weeks at a time. During the campaign of 1888, Cleveland’s clone campaigned across the country while Grover Cleveland enjoyed an extended European vacation. Despite winning the popular vote in 1888, Benjamin Harrison received more Electoral College votes, leaving Grover Cleveland jobless.^†

Four years later, Grover Cleveland was more determined than ever to retake the presidency, and with the help of his clone and careful planning by his political team, he and his clone were able to cover twice as much ground campaigning as any of the other Democratic nominees for president. All seemed to be going well up to the Democratic National Convention in Chicago, Illinois in June of 1892.^† Grover Cleveland was virtually guaranteed his party’s nomination, but by an ill-fate of luck, Adlai Stevenson^†, Grover Cleveland’s vice-presidential-running-mate-to-be stumbled upon the former president and his clone in a back room. Not having been informed that a clone of Grover Cleveland existed, Adlai reacted to the discovery as any normal person would: by pulling out a gun and shooting the impostor. Sources say Stevenson demanded to known something only the real Grover Cleveland would know. Sadly, in order to properly to mimic the President, Grover Cleveland’s clone had been relentlessly drilled on every aspect of Grover Cleveland’s life to the point that his clone actually knew more about Grover Cleveland than Grover Cleveland himself knew (specifically, both his grandmothers’ maiden names).

Grover Cleveland’s remains were secretly discarded in the foundation of a construction site (both common occurrences in Chicago, construction sites and secretly discarded bodies), and his clone assumed his life with the American public none the wiser.

Preceded by Chester A. Arthur
Succeeded by Benjamin Harrison

James Madison^†
Fourth President
Served March 4, 1809 – March 4, 1817
Party: Democratic-Republican

Born: March 16, 1751 in Port Conway, Virginia
Died: June 28, 1836 in Montpelier, Virginia
Favorite Childhood Toy: Stilts

Despite a growth spurt in his sixteenth year, James Madison only ever came to a height of 5’4″ (and that was with the help of his platform shoes which Benjamin Franklin had invented for him out of pity during their time in the Continental Congress). Given his frail and girlish figure, young James Madison had to retreat into his massive intellect to protect himself from the jeers of his young Virginian peers.^† His coping mechanism was fortunate, because while he may have been the shortest president, James Madison was also the brainiest president.

James Madison was instrumental in the formation of the US Constitution. In fact, James Madison wrote it all. The other 55 delegates^† at the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia told Madison it was going to be a group effort, and they would do their fair share of the work, but only made excuses when called to contribute. Nicholas Gilman^†, a delegate from New Hampshire, went as far as to claim he would have helped but he had to attend his mother’s funeral on three separate occasions. It is for James Madison’s singular work on the Constitution, and later the Bill of Rights, that earned him the title of “Father of the Constitution”^†. It is quite evident that these documents were the work of Madison, for they contain complicated checks and balances only a madman or a genius could conceive. Originally James Madison pushed for a system of twenty-seven separate branches of government, but was convinced to reduce the number to three after being called a “smarty-smart-face” and “big-head” by an inebriated George Washington.

James Madison served in the first Congress under the newly formed government of the Constitution, and then later as Thomas Jefferson’s Secretary of State before becoming President himself in 1809.

Great Britain had been illegally boarding American vessels and impressing American sailors into service in the Royal Navy.^† President Madison had been picked on his entire life, and this time he would not let it stand. Having finally attained the position of greatest authority in the nation, James Madison allowed the power to go to his gargantuan head and declared war on Great Britain. The War of 1812 (or as James Madison sold it to Congress: “Revolution 2: The Reckoning“) was begun. Madison made a early push to annex Canada^† into the United States, but was slightly distracted when the British occupied Washington, D.C. and torched the White House.^†

After a long and costly war that lasted several years past 1812 (another reason Madison preferred the name he had given the war), Great Britain and the United States signed the Treaty of Ghent^† that essentially brought things back to how they were before the war. Hard feelings were still held by the Canadians though, and it was then that Governor-General Gordon Drummond^† put into motion the master 100 year plan to infiltrate and sabotage the United States from the inside, Code Name: Chestnut Charlie.

Preceded by Thomas Jefferson
Succeeded by Zombie Alexander Hamilton