Tag Archives: office

“This is disgusting!” Gerald said pretending to be musing to himself but straining to be heard by everyone. “Look at the trash can. It doesn’t look like it’s been emptied all day. You people live like disgusting pigs!”

Jim and Ted swiveled around in their chairs in unison with puzzled faces.

“This is an office, Gerald,” Jim said. “There’s only paper in the trash.”

“It’s not exactly unsanitary,” Ted added.

“Is it in the trash? Is trash filthy?” They were more statements than questions. “Is this a farm or an office?”

Ted sighed, “It’s an office.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” Gerald snarled.

“Gentlemen, we have a problem,” Mr. McCaughey said. It seemed to open every board of directors meeting recently. “Our esteemed CEO went on a drunken spending spree last night and purchased ten million pounds of sea kelp.”

Groans filled the conference room.

“We’re a shampoo company! What are we going to do with seaweed?” said one of the directors.

“Let’s just put it in the shampoo. Call it something exotic. Get a hip young surfer to endorse it.” The plan was met with several murmurs of agreement.

“But does kelp actually do anything for your hair?” The question was soundly ignored.

“You could learn a thing or two from me, Anderson,” Mr. McCaughey said.

“Yessir,” Anderson squeaked.

“First thing: Don’t talk while I’m talking.”

“Yes—” Anderson caught himself.

“You don’t make it to the top without cracking a few eggs, Anderson.” Mr. McCaughey paused. “Did you hear me? How can I know you’re listening if you don’t say something?”

“Yessir. Crack some eggs, sir.”

“Don’t interrupt me, Anderson. Now, what I mean, of course, is destroy a few people’s careers. It’s a lot easier to move up the ranks when you decimate the competition.”

“But isn’t that unethical, sir?”

Mr. McCaughey laughed.

“Okay. Confession time.”

A small but sturdy sigh escaped the lips of Sam, but she sighed in such a way that made it quite obvious that she had been expecting this for quite some time. She spun around in her seat and faced Justin. “Then let’s have it,” she said curtly.

“Me?” Justin stepped back in surprise. “I was talking about you!”

Sam was equally as aghast. “What!? You’re supposed to apologize for not making a new pot of coffee after you took the last bit!”

“You mean that wasn’t you?”

Both were quiet for a moment.

“Gary!” they both said.

“Where are all my paper clips?”

Phil pretended he did not hear Ryan and continued to type.

“Dude! My paper clips!”

Phil sighed and swiveled his chair around, “What are you talking about?”

Ryan thrust an empty cup into Phil’s face, “This was half full of paper clips when I left for lunch! This keeps happening to me! Staples, push pins, the eraser stubs at the end of my pencils! Who would go through the effort of prying out eraser stubs?”

“Look, I’ve got work to do.”

Ryan stormed off. Phil patted his desk drawer filled with Ryan’s junk and smiled.

“I can’t believe I’ve been waiting thirty minutes for an interview.”

The manager poked around the corner. “Mr. Sambrook, would you follow me to my office?”

“Sure thing. Finally!”

“What?”

“Oh, nothing . . . Boy, that was close.”

The manager turned around, “Do you seriously want this job?”

“What do you mean?”

“You make smart-aleck remarks whenever I say anything.”

Mr. Sambrook’s face instantly conveyed shock, “Why I never! I’ll have you know I have a legitimate medical condition that leaves me unable to internalize my thoughts! Shall I report this disability discrimination to the EEOC?”

“No, sorry, I didn’t realize–”

“Jerk.”